Friday, December 23, 2011

My Christmas Wish.. .. ..

I am pretty resolved that from here until the day we meet again, my holiday wish will be to have my son.

Last year I think I was still in such a stunned state that Christmas went by in a blur.  This year, though, I feel the heaviness of him not being here with us.

This year we did Christmas a little different.  We rented a cabin last weekend, which was the big present for the family, and we just bought the kids a few things they wanted.  Less junk, more memories. 

The whole time we were at the cabin I imagined what our lives would be like if Colton were there with us.  How we'd be chasing him, keeping him from the stairs, cuddle with him by the fire ... I realized I miss the little things he'd be doing.  Like eating at the table with us, or laughing and trying to talk along with us.  Though he was never part of our lives, I still feel like he is missing from the moments that matter.  That there is a gaping hole in the space he should fill in our time and lives.

Now, with Christmas just days away, I feel this heavy sorrow that he isn't here.  I wish he could curiously play with the wrapping, unsure of what it is or how to handle it.  I wish he could want everything out of the boxes ... just to play with the boxes. I wish I could chase him away from tipping the tree over, and sit and watch his awe of the lights and decorations.  I wish I could tuck him in Christmas night, grateful for all of our family.

But it just feels like something is missing.  And it is.  Our son, our Colton, is missing.  And now I realize it's time to learn to live with those gaps, those empty places he will never be.  The hard part is figuring out, when the only piece that's missing will never come back to feel the void.

Merry Christmas in Heaven, Colton.  I love you and miss you so much.