I don't blog much any more for a multitude of reasons. Mostly, because it's used against me far too often. People don't understand, respect, or honor loss and grief very well and - quite frankly - I was tired of being berated or having my loss used against me.
I have to think people either shy from, deflect, or use things they are afraid of. Unfortunately, baby loss is one of those things.
Yesterday there was a heated debate amongst members of a board. Someone jumped the "do not cross" line, and flew right over the edge of crazy. While their comment wasn't directed at me, it resonated through my soul.
"You deserve dead babies". (condensed to remove names and a lot of profanity)
You deserve dead babies.
First, I don't know what makes a normal, sane, decent person type or say or even think those words. I am quite sure this person isn't any of the above. "Dead babies" isn't something I would wish on my very worst enemy. It's a cruel punishment worse than - quite frankly - anything I could imagine.
The flood of emotions that hit me when I read it drowned me. A swinging wrecking ball collided with my gut and knocked me flat on my ass. My breath left my body.
In my mind all I could see was Colton.
The moment, specifically, when I delivered him. When Dr. C held him up. His perfect, beautiful body. His silent, quiet, still body. My "dead baby".
I will tell you, no one deserves a dead baby. No one deserves to have their life ripped into two. The time before and the time after. When your life was blissfully unaware of what true, deeply devastating loss feels like. A time after when no matter how full your life and heart are, there's always a gap, a missing piece.
I do not cry for Colton often anymore. I don't miss him with the intense fervor that flooded me in years past. Not a day goes by that I don't think about him. I love him and he's there in my soul with every beat of my heart. However, there is a peace I've made with his loss and his short time with me.
Triggers come and sometimes they are little tremors. Sometimes full on seismic activity level 9.0 with destruction felt miles wide.
"Dead babies" is a seismic trigger. When you've had a dead baby you know that pain. Those callous words take you right back to the epicenter of loss. That numbness, that fear, that empty, powerless, horrible despair. That moment you'd do ANYTHING ... you'd do anything ...
No one deserves a dead baby. No one deserves that pain. No one deserves that loss. No one.
