Courage

The last few years have been a scary, roller coaster journey of dissecting the past, breaking down walls, building up character, and learning to be the most amazing ME I can be.

I have made mistakes, poor choices, and downright horrible decisions in my life.  I was in an endless wash cycle ... soil, soak, wash, rinse, dry, repeat.

When I got pregnant with Colton I thought my life was headed the right way. I had myself convinced the errs of the past were behind me, that life was good, and that *I* was healing.  I thought I was with the "right one" and that everything would be wonderful and bliss forever.

I was obviously still thinking like a child.

When Colton died, everything died.  And, while I regret a lot that happened, I am forever grateful for it as well.  I reverted to my "old" ways (were they really "old" or just buried) and I self-destructed.

And it was the best thing that could have happened to me.

Of course, not losing Colton. I would do anything to have my little boy back.  I miss him with every ounce of my soul and heart.  It took losing him, though, and losing myself, to be able to rebuild.

It really wasn't until I was pregnant with my rainbow that I started rising from the depths of my emotional and spiritual grave.  Priorities changed.  Thoughts changed.  Morals changed.  I changed.

I have learned to value myself.  I have learned I am the only one I can rely on.  I have broken past patterns and become the person I really am meant to be.

The journey has been filled in tears, struggle, and heartache.  I am challenged daily and set up to fail. And with every obstacle, with every punch, with every trigger that in the past would have broken me I draw strength. I will not be broken again. I will not repeat past behaviors.  I will prevail above who I was, what I've done, and - most importantly - what I've lost.  I will have the courage to continue to grow and become who I was always meant to be.

When Colton died, so did I.  Somehow, though, that was exactly what I needed. And I can't help but think that he's happy, and he's proud, of all his momma has accomplished.  I do it for him, I do it for me, I do it for Delaney.  I can't change or fix the past, but with courage I can be the me I was always intended to be.

April Showers

I have always disliked the month of April. It seems every year it's a complete mess, the world is flipped off it's axis, and I cannot wait for it to be OVER.

This year, obviously, has been the same.

May, though, isn't so much easier.

Mothers Day is just a few weeks away.  There are certain holidays, dates, periods of times, that are more bittersweet than others after you've lost a child.

Mothers Day is definitely one of them.

I will do something special with the kids.  What, I am not sure yet.  I do know, though, it will include a trip out to see Colton.

I feel so fortunate to have my other children. I think with great sadness of all the childless mothers.  The mothers who have no children here on earth with them, yet are mothers just the same. I pray their families acknowledge them, acknowledge the child or children they've lost.  I know how hard the day is for me, I cannot imagine the pain they must feel.

I feel blessed to be planning my daughter's first birthday party.  I feel blessed to be celebrating my own birthday, just the day before Mothers Day.  I feel blessed to every day wake up with the knowledge I am surrounded by love, both here on Earth and all around me.

April showers be gone please ... May flowers and a blooming abundance of hope lie ahead.