People ask "how are you?". The answers... Good. Well. Getting there. Excited. Scared.
Truth is ... I'm surviving. That's about it.
I'm 32 weeks now. 8 months. I should be overjoyed and bubbling with excitement. And, sometimes, I honestly am. I allow myself to daydream of her beautiful face, her peaceful breath, her hungry cry, nursing her ... yes, even dressing her up and showing her off.
And sometimes I let that glow and show. And people probably thing "phew, she's okay!". Reality? I'm surviving. I'm scared.
I was 34 weeks, 2 days when I confirmed Colton was gone. I was actually 33 weeks, 4 days when I lost Colton.
Did I mention I'm 32 weeks (and 3 days) right now?
So I'll give you one guess on my biggest emotion right now.. .. ..
I'm struggling so hard with trying to enjoy every moment, trying to focus on THIS pregnancy, and not focus I'm a week from when I lost Colton.
This pregnancy is completely different. She is SO active. So much so my tummy is sore and I feel beat up from the inside out. She is strong and busy and ... full of life. She's big. Really big. She's measuring over two weeks ahead.
If this were any other pregnancy I'd be bragging about how normal and good things are. Even as I sit here typing my belly bounces back and forth and extremities poke out. I have heartburn and sleepless nights. I can't eat much because she takes so much room. I have trouble breathing and my hips pop and spasm. I'm tired. It is - by all measure - the perfectly normal pregnancy. I haven't gained much, I feel so ... normal.
Yet I cannot shake the black cloud, the knowledge that at any time something can change.
I am seeing my doctors weekly now. I'll have both an ultrasound and doctors appointment every week. We'll check her placenta, cord, fluids, breathing, organs ... heart. Will it reassure me? Yes. For that moment. At any moment things can change ...
I really TRY not to live in the what-if's but it's much harder when the what-if's have become reality before.
I want to be happy. I want to believe she's going to come kicking and screaming into this world in just a few short weeks. I want to believe she is mine to keep.
Until then, though, I will keep surviving. I will keep moving forward until ... Well, until.
