Mother's Day

Tomorrow is Mother's Day.  After losing a child, Mother's Day is never the same.  The bittersweet taste burns in your soul as you celebrate the children you do have and mourn the one you don't. 

I love my boys so much and people have said I should be appreciative for what I do have.  Even implicate that my being sad is a disgrace to them, asking "aren't they good enough?". 

Missing a child you've lost, feeling like part of you is missing too, cannot be filled by any other children.  It's not that I don't love my living children with all my heart.  Doesn't mean that I'm not happy to spend the day with them.  It means that I also love my child I don't have and that part of me being a mother, part of my legacy, is gone.  I want ALL my boys with me.  I want him to be here, too. I want him to eat lunch with us and play with us and wait to meet his sister.  I want him, too. 

Those aren't feeling just reserved for Mother's Day.  Those feelings never leave the heart and mind of a mother who's lost a child.  in the every day living there are moments when you think of the child NOT with you and how different it would be if they were. 

Tomorrow I'll get up and make breakfast for my boys.  I'll Skype with my surrogate family.  I'll make cupcakes and then dinner for my mom and my brother.  And somewhere in between all that I'll go to the cemetery and be with my son, since he cannot be with me.

Mother's Day will never be the same.  There will always be someone missing.  Just like every other day, just a little more bittersweet.

Freaking the Hell Out

No sugar coating this. I'm a wreck.  I stayed home from work today. I didn't sleep at all last night and I had a migraine today and it's just getting worse. 

Today is the equivalent of the last day I felt Colton's life inside me.

So, yea, irrational, but I totally expect to wake up tomorrow and live the nightmare again.  I totally am prepared and anticipating her to die too. 

Friends keep saying "she'll be fine".  Um, Colton was supposed to be fine too.  Instead he's buried down the road. 

Doesn't help that this week is also my birthday and also Mother's Day.  Days I miss Colton even more.  Days I want him here with me. Days my heart already aches to not have him with me.  So this year it's a triple threat ... these special days + being pregnant + the same week I lost Colton = one freaked out me.

I'm just a nervous freaking mess. 

I keep thinking "If I just make it through this next week".  But ... she won't be here yet.  I still have six weeks until induction.  Anything could happen at anytime.

Yea, I know ... don't stress it... can't change it... everything will be fine... yada yada.  Everything was supposed to be fine with Colton.

I know the added stress isn't good for me.  I just don't know how to escape it.  I feel like I'm drowning in it. 

Lordamercy, please just let her make it here safe.  I cannot lose her too....