The Truth

The truth is I'm scared shitless.

Being pregnant again isn't full of joy and happiness.  It's not healing a single ache or pain of losing Colton.  If anything, it's magnifying so many feelings I've blocked for so long.  I'm facing demons and pains that I didn't even know existed.  And I cannot escape them, and therefore I'm being forced to face them. 

I feel absolutely neurotic.  Here are some of my off-the-rocker-losing-my-mind thoughts::

I sometimes want to beg my doctor to take her out now.  Yes, she'd be in the NICU but she'd have a better chance there than in me.  I already failed one baby.

I have the number to the cemetery written on a pad at work.  I have more than once started to dial there number to offer a deposit on a plot next to Colton.  God forbid she die and not be buried next to her brother.

Every ache and pain I know that her placenta is separating, that I'm going into preterm labor, that I'm losing her too.  I even rushed to the doctor once already.  They confirmed ... nothings wrong.

I poke my stomach. A lot. If she's not moving, I'm panicking.

I'm terrified of birth.  Terrified.  What if she doesn't breath? What if she doesn't cry? What if she DOES??

Does Colton feel like I'm replacing him?? I only just moved all his clothes out of the dresser and I cannot adequately explain the level of GUILT I feel for it. 

Every day I feel like I'm losing my mind a little more. I find myself consumed many times by the what-if's and the what-did's. 

I know that I'm my own worst enemy right now.  I know I'm living in fear, not faith.  I just don't know how to not to ...

I am in counseling ... a lot of counseling.  And I'm comitting to blogging more about how I feel.  To help myself, maybe to help others, mostly to help this little girl.  I have three months to fix this.  She needs me, 100% of me.

If God allows me to keep her, that is...