Rising from the Rubble

February seems to be about the time I start to emerge out from under my protective armor. I don't even realize I abandon my grief (and blog) from about October until February.

It's like emerging from a tornado shelter.  I feel like, for those months, I pack up all my emotions about Colton and I tuck them into this shelter.  I lock them away, safe, until the passing of the storm.

October starts this wave with Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness.  Just a month before Colton was stillborn I had an intense and {now} surreal conversation with a friend regarding loss.  She posted on her Facebook about her daughter, Emma, and how she would always love her. I messaged her to ask if she had lost her daughter.  She told me about her first daughter and how, at 38 weeks, she lost her.  Emma was stillborn with no reason for her death.  I responded "I just cannot imagine" while rubbing my tummy.  And so marks the beginning of my season of grief. Not even a month later I was living that hell.

November of course is riddled with anniversary dates.  The date I accepted and confirmed Colton was gone {November 16}.  Backtracking to the last day I felt him {November 11}.  Remembering every event of the days in between.  Remember the days of induction. And then his stillbirth {November 18}.  His funeral {November 24}.  Thanksgiving {November 25}.

Blur...

Christmas {December 25}.  Colton's due date {December 26}.

Blur...

By January I start gauging the wreckage from the passing storm.  I start to peek my head out and I start to assess the damage.  When I deem it safe to emerge, I pull myself out and reenter the world left.

Each year it's been a little easier.  I don't have to shackle everything down so tight.  I can leave some things exposed to the elements.  I have built a stronger foundation to ground me.  This past year was easier with the distraction of Colton's brother and little sister.  Their love and laughter definitely help remind me there is light through the clouds; a rainbow in the storm.

So, once again, I rise from the rubble and march on.  A little stronger, a little braver, and ready to battle on.