Formidable

Another loss mom and I were talking awhile back. It was after an interaction where she was called all sorts of crazy names, like brave, strong, and courageous.

Normally people would like to hear those things about them. When you're a loss mom, though, it somewhat feels like no one understands. They see brave and you feel like a coward. They see strong and you feel weak. They see courageous and you feel so timid.

Loss can often make you feel like a fraud. You're living this life you're supposed to live, yet you're going through the motions. You are putting on this face and standing tall on the mountain proclaiming victory when it's really just a little hill, maybe a pile of dirt, and dragging yourself up has left you out of breath, exhausted, and completely broken.

We brainstormed for awhile on what adjective really fit. And she came up with formidable. And suddenly this word took on so many facets of loss for me it felt like a missing puzzle piece had slid into place and the crowds cheered and the angels sang and for once something made sense.

First, loss is a formidable opponent. It causes fear and dread. It commands respect. It is difficult to defeat or overcome. Loss can own you. It creeps up in the darkest moments, when your mind is still, and it seeps fear into your mind. Sadness and pain is difficult to overcome as it makes a permanent home inside your heart. Loss is relentless. You cannot escape it. Forever it will have a hold on you and will change every moment of your life. There is no other obstacle or opponent we face in our life quite as formidable as loss.

But we are formidable opponents, too. When others say we are brave and strong and courageous they are admiring our tenacity and are in awe of our drive and ability to pick up when they may have stayed down. We are giants as we conquer each day, disabled and broken, yet pushing forward and carrying ourselves through even when it's daunting. Some other impressive quality? The ability to empathize, commiserate, and compassionately love others when we are hurting, too. To unite in pain and live, breath, and thrive on the life that broke us and mends us all the same. We stand up, we crawl up the dirt mound, sometimes dragging ourselves along. But we do it.  Because we are formidable opponents and loss will not break us.

I am not strong. I am not brave. Oh I am such a coward and so weak and frail. But I am formidable and I will fight on with grace, hope, and love knowing that while I am broken I am also perfectly blessed and that my weakness is my strength. While some days are harder than the last, and the next may be easier than the best, every day we slide on our gloves, jump in the ring, and fight another day.

We are formidable. And we will survive.