Colton

I figured before I really start into this blog, I need to introduce you to the boy behind the story.

In April of 2010 I took a pregnancy test on the basis that if I took a test, it would cause my period to start. That's how it works, right? I had already taken 10 days of Provera to try to start it and there was good reason for it to need to start.

I hardly looked at the pee stick. I knew it would be negative, my body would go 'viola', and I'd start.

So imagine my shock when it says "pregnant". No line to decipher, it was a digital, so literally I'm staring at the word "pregnant". Oy!

It took a few weeks to adjust to the idea of being pregnant. Of course that was compounded with the worries from the start. My beta (the blood work to detect pregnancy) numbers were really high, and doubling fast. Yet when we did an ultrasound we didn't see anything. So there was the worry of an ectopic pregnancy. Then we finally did see a sac ... an empty sac when we should have seen something (based on the numbers). Finally, at 7 weeks, we see a baby and a heartbeat. Phew, we can stop worrying ...

From then on things were normal, per say. In retrospect, almost too normal. I didn't have morning sickness, like I had in all my other pregnancies. I felt overall really good. He always measured a few weeks ahead. By almost two weeks, starting as early as our 13 week ultrasound. Nothing was out of the normal, though. All lab work and testing was normal. Everything was fine.

I had an appointment at 32 weeks. Baby's heart sounded good. I measured good. And we started talking about labor and delivery. And when we'd meet this little man. And switched from appointments every four weeks to every two. Everything was perfect and normal. Until it wasn't.

Now, this part is quite retrospective. It took a few months for me to realize and accept these next points. Chronologically, though, they fit here.

At 33w4d I didn't have heartburn when I went to bed. If you've ever been pregnant, you know that's pretty significant. I blew it off and thanked my lucky stars for a little relief. The next day we had Mexican food for dinner. No jumping baby and no heartburn... The next day, Saturday, we went to a movie and I had my guilty pleasure -- a frozen Pepsi. Yet no crazy active baby. And Sunday we went to soccer and still no movement...

It wasn't until Monday night that my subconscious mind communicated with my conscious mind. It wasn't until then I knew I'd lost my son.

We were sitting on the couch and I looked over at B and said "I haven't felt Colton move in awhile". He asked how long 'awhile' was and I just said "I don't know".

I think in that moment we both knew. It was agreed I'd go to the doctor in the morning.. .. ..

That next morning I drank a large glass of orange juice on my way to work. I knew that's what the doctor would recommend, to 'wake up' the baby.

Nothing.

I worked from 7:30 - 9:30 ... the doctor could get me in at 10:30. I drove the 45 minutes to my doctor. Honestly, I do not remember the drive at all now.

The nurse took me into a room to do a NST (non-stress test). After a few seconds of trying to find his heartbeat on the monitor she kinda chuckled and said "well where have you been feeling this little one??". When she looked up at me, tears streaming down my face, she knew too. She quietly whispered "You haven't?"... my tears said it all. She transferred me to an ultrasound room.

That's where I looked at the screen and saw my beautiful little boy. And his perfect four-chamber heart. And no heart rhythm.

I screamed.

For just a few seconds I screamed. And then I went numb and silent.

Two days later, on November 18, 2010, our son was born silently. He was 5lb7oz and 19" long. He was perfect in every way. But he was gone.

This is Colton's story. And the beginning of my journey back from the numb and out of the silence.