I used to be a "brighter side" kind of girl. If a situation came up I'd look through all the possible outcomes. I'd start with the BEST possible outcome and work down to the worst-case-scenario. My glass was half-full and sometimes it even had a shot of vodka just to liven things up. I was pretty carefree and went with the flow. I wasn't anxious and nervous, I had faith and I trusted the people around me and, more importantly, I trusted myself.
Of course, I am using only past tense. Now I am a "the glass is bone dry" girl. I work on the premise of the worst-case-scenario happening and hope that maybe it won't be as bad as I dread. People say "that's not going to happen" and I have a violent rush through my body leading to a deep desire to punch them. Those things that "don't happen" DO happen.
I write this because - to add insult to injury - my PAP came back yesterday with abnormal cells. Precancerous abnormal freakin' cells. My first thought was not "I am going to have cancer and die". I know cervical cancer is 100% preventable and treatable. No, my first thought was "I will never be able to carry again". And that would be the second most devestating thing to ever happen to me.
My doctor called me personally and through my sobbing tears he told me our plan of attack. He told me where we are at now, where we might be in three months - when we'll test again, and what the prognosis is. Most importantly, he assured me he'd do all he can to make sure I can try to have a child again. However, there are absolutely no guarantees in life.
Except, of course, death.
I wish with all my might I could change my perception. But I can't. Just like I can't change the fact Colton is dead.
Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.
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