The other day I headed out to visit Colton. I had stayed away for awhile, for no reason I can really pinpoint. I had an unsettled feeling and didn't want to "press my luck".
I drove into the cemetery and over to his area. As I drive up I find myself very irritated. Colton's flowers were gone!! Now, I concede, they were a little faded and I had already ordered a new set. But, seriously, there are MUCH worse looking ones, why weren't THEY gone??!! He's the only kid on the block, too, so REALLY??!!
As I walked over to his headstone I was really upset. I mean, it just looks too plain and neglected without flowers. Like I don't even care or something. In my fury I was oblivious to everything else around me. Then two little dragonflies floated in front of me and caught my attention. Then they flew to my left...
... to the new grave that was recently filled next to Colton's. I just crumbled to my knees.
Colton's flowers hadn't been removed out of malice or neglect. They'd be moved for a funeral for another baby. Colton has his first neighbor.
I called B hysterical. I couldn't hardly stop sobbing to tell him why I was so upset.
First, I was so sad for these parents. I ached so badly, knowing the heart wrenching experience they just went through. I wanted to reach out to them, to let them know they aren't alone. To cry with them, to hear about their baby, to acknowledge their horrific loss.
Second, the thought of another baby dying crushed me. I knew sooner or later Colton would be surrounded by babies that left too soon, but to know another baby died. I felt like mine had died all over again. I felt just so sad.
Third, I felt sad for Colton and me. I was flooded with the pain and ache that I felt the moment we buried him. Wanting to pull him from that tiny little box and run, run, run until no one could catch us and hold him close to me forever. I ached for him, for his closeness and comfort.
I am (im)patiently waiting to see who this baby is... the grave was still too new for any marker. So I keep checking to see when a headstone is set and who this little life was...who joined Colton. I plan to leave flowers and a small card for the family. I know they are strangers, however I know that no matter how different we are we have a common tie that few others can relate to with us. And, somehow, that makes me feel like I do know them, or at least a small part of their story. They lost a baby, we lost a baby...
I hope it gets easier. I hope the next neighbor doesn't sting quite as deep. Though, realistically, I know that each one will pull on my heart, and each one will evoke a reaction. These are babies, innocent and pure, and gone. And there will never be less of an ache in that knowledge.
Sleep peacefully little ones.. .. ..
No comments:
Post a Comment