It's coming up on one year since I lost Colton. As fearful as I've been about it, I am actually feeling good. I am feeling secure with where I am in healing and comfortable with the progress I made. I knew there would be challenges and today I was faced with one.
A good friend of mine went to her ultrasound today... Very sadly, the baby passed. There was no heartbeat.
I remembered with vividness the gut wrenching moment when the screen had no heartbeat and the look on the technicians face. I remembered that numb, empty feeling. I remembered that sinking feeling that this child inside me had no life surging through him. I remembered feeling lost.
My heart broke. For her this time, not for me. I felt like for once Colton had a purpose. I can be a shoulder to my friend, I can understand and support her. I can grieve with her. I can understand like no one else can. It doesn't make anything better or easier on her side, but I finally felt like I had a purpose through is loss.
I also realized it doesn't matter how far along you are (she was 17w), loss sucks. Once you see that heartbeat and then at any point you don't, the loss hurts the same. The reaction is the same. Sure, maybe it does get harder when there is a tangible baby to hold. Maybe it's harder before that, when there isn't a tangible baby to say goodbye to. Who knows, who cares. Loss hurts all the same and loss sucks.
I also realize that there is nothing good to say. Even being through it, there is nothing I can say or do that makes anything even the slightest bit better. It doesn't matter that I can relate or that I understand how she feels. It's still such a personal pain, such an alone feeling. There is nothing that remedies that ... nothing that can lessen that crushing blow.
Heaven has another angel ... much too soon, much grieved, much loved ...
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