Tomorrow is Mother's Day. After losing a child, Mother's Day is never the same. The bittersweet taste burns in your soul as you celebrate the children you do have and mourn the one you don't.
I love my boys so much and people have said I should be appreciative for what I do have. Even implicate that my being sad is a disgrace to them, asking "aren't they good enough?".
Missing a child you've lost, feeling like part of you is missing too, cannot be filled by any other children. It's not that I don't love my living children with all my heart. Doesn't mean that I'm not happy to spend the day with them. It means that I also love my child I don't have and that part of me being a mother, part of my legacy, is gone. I want ALL my boys with me. I want him to be here, too. I want him to eat lunch with us and play with us and wait to meet his sister. I want him, too.
Those aren't feeling just reserved for Mother's Day. Those feelings never leave the heart and mind of a mother who's lost a child. in the every day living there are moments when you think of the child NOT with you and how different it would be if they were.
Tomorrow I'll get up and make breakfast for my boys. I'll Skype with my surrogate family. I'll make cupcakes and then dinner for my mom and my brother. And somewhere in between all that I'll go to the cemetery and be with my son, since he cannot be with me.
Mother's Day will never be the same. There will always be someone missing. Just like every other day, just a little more bittersweet.
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