Freaking the Hell Out

No sugar coating this. I'm a wreck.  I stayed home from work today. I didn't sleep at all last night and I had a migraine today and it's just getting worse. 

Today is the equivalent of the last day I felt Colton's life inside me.

So, yea, irrational, but I totally expect to wake up tomorrow and live the nightmare again.  I totally am prepared and anticipating her to die too. 

Friends keep saying "she'll be fine".  Um, Colton was supposed to be fine too.  Instead he's buried down the road. 

Doesn't help that this week is also my birthday and also Mother's Day.  Days I miss Colton even more.  Days I want him here with me. Days my heart already aches to not have him with me.  So this year it's a triple threat ... these special days + being pregnant + the same week I lost Colton = one freaked out me.

I'm just a nervous freaking mess. 

I keep thinking "If I just make it through this next week".  But ... she won't be here yet.  I still have six weeks until induction.  Anything could happen at anytime.

Yea, I know ... don't stress it... can't change it... everything will be fine... yada yada.  Everything was supposed to be fine with Colton.

I know the added stress isn't good for me.  I just don't know how to escape it.  I feel like I'm drowning in it. 

Lordamercy, please just let her make it here safe.  I cannot lose her too....