The easiest way to end a conversation now is to bring up the dead baby. It's most easily done with someone that I haven't seen in, oh say four months or more, and the first words out of their mouth is "So good to see you -- How is the baby??!!"
Hmpf. I will say now, if anyone knows an easy way to say "the baby is dead" please let me know. I have not perfected the words that will not turn the asker into a beat red, embarrassed, tongue-tied, running, lost-for-words mess.
I honestly feel way worse for the asker and how they must be feeling. It has got to be much worse than they think I feel having to explain. I have had lots of practice. They are crashing head first into it for the first time. And it's gotta be brutal on their end. Like serious concussion.
What's a real kicker is how quick you get an "Oh I'm so sorry" and that's it. End of conversation. See ya. And running off in the opposite direction!!
So here's what you need to know if you find yourself in this situation.
Don't run. Don't stumble over your words. Try not to say you're sorry; it's not your fault. Rather, ASK. Ask about the baby. Ask what happened, what he was like, if they plan to try again. Ask how they are feeling, how they felt then.
Please know that by asking you are not bringing up pain. The pain is always there. What you will give is LIFE. By asking you will give a surge of energy and life ... my child's energy and life. Being able to talk about him, to share him, means everything to me. Though he was with me only eight months, and all in my womb, he was alive. He was beautiful. He had curly dark hair like his dads and a beautiful little face that looked just like his brothers. He had a beautiful little nose, and the cutest little ears. His fingers were long piano fingers, graceful and beautiful. His feet were long and strong and would have kicked the soccer ball from one end of the field to the other. He was wonderful in every way.
Allow him to be shared. It's the best comfort you can give.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI came to your blog through another mom, as the mother of a baby girl in heaven I unfortunately can say I am all to familiar with Your pain. I wish I could say the pain goes away, it gets less as time passes but never goes away. Its been 14 years and reading your post it felt like yesterday. He sounds like an amazing little baby boy and talking about him and keeping his memory alive is a wonderful thing:) thinking of You and Your family.
ReplyDeleteJ - you will always have such a huge part of my heart, a huge amount of gratitude I will never be able to fully express to you. You are forever a footprint in my life. I appreciate you so much!!!
ReplyDeleteTina, thank you so much for sharing and your warm wishes. I wish you - and every woman that carries this scab - weren't able to relate, that there were no other lost babies. Much love to your angel and your family as well.