Normally when your mind is heavy with thought you can find some escape. Not with a loss like this. It follows you and haunts you. Things you see, hear, do ... the pain is all right there, waiting to boil back over the top.
Even in Mexico, cruising the ocean and enjoying a much needed vacation I could not escape the truth of the pain each day holds. It probably didn't help that the week was full of first anniversary dates. The first Mother's Day without one of my children, my baby. The first anniversary of the first day we saw our little bean and his beautiful heartbeat, which was also my birthday.
Then meeting so many new people and the general, harmless, benign "And how many children do you have" question. The one question that still thoroughly stumps me. There is no good answer to that question, is there?
Don't get me wrong, a vacation with B is just what we needed. We had a great time being alone and just ... being. We had a great time parasailing, sports fishing (and catching a big ol' marlin), and zip-lining through the jungle.
But B still had to hug me and comfort me on my birthday when I just wanted to see Colton's beautiful heartbeat again. When I answered 'two children' while fighting tears, and feeling as though I betrayed Colton.
You just can't escape the pain, the truth, of what will always be missing.
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