Really God?

I will again say I am not mad at God.  I just have to have faith he knows better than me and He chose this to happen for whatever reason. 

I will confess, though, there are times when I look up and say, "REALLY God??!!".

Honestly, though, I don't think it's too different from when any other 'normal' person thinks the same thing.  I think it when I see the teenage girl walking down the street, half-naked, belly out to Yonkers, with a cigarette hanging out her mouth.  (No joke, happened less than a month after losing Colton).  Or like yesterday with a group of three girls, maybe 19-20 year old  one of which had a son about a year old ... Mom was obviously too busy to care what he was doing as he ran around the restaurant, threw things, and hit Brian in the head with Mom's phone (okay, that part was kind of funny).  All the while, though, Mom and her girlfriends are dropping f-bombs like candy at a parade and talking about who's f'in who's boyfriend. *sigh* Then there are the advertisements "one in three families cannot afford diapers" ... could they not afford the FREE birth control either??!! 

Sometimes I just get so frustrated.  WHY GOD did they get to keep their baby?  And why didn't I get to keep mine?? For once I was doing it right.  I was in a great spot in my life.  Financially, emotionally, physically ... Why, oh why, did you chose Colton?

Then I read the news story of the fat-ass that let the newborn starve to death.  Or the babies dumped in alleys.  Seriously, God, and you allowed that but took my son??

I know I sound angry, and I really am not.  I guess I'm more incredulous to the whole situation.  Trust this, my second conversation with God when I reach the pearly gates will be an exploration of this decision He made.  (The first, of course, will be a request to see my son).

I honestly feel awful when I get so frustrated with these situations.  I try hard not to be judgemental and (as I've dead-horse repeated) I'd never wish this loss on anyone.  I sometimes still just do.not.get.it. 

I know that it won't change anything. I know the thoughts are probably rooted in envy, which is ugly and evil.  I also know that it truly isn't fair.  To me, or to those babies stuck in shitty situations. 

Colton wouldn't have suffered and starved to death.  Colton wouldn't have gone without. Colton was already loved, protected, and cared for more than others babies who are alive.

Judging isn't right or fair ... neither is losing your child.  But both obviously happen and we just continue on, doing the best we can.