Like Hell You Will!!!

That's what I was screaming yesterday at Brian.  I may have been overreacting a little.  Maybe not.  But that's how it came out.

His youngest and my youngest are about 1.5 years apart in age.  And, for the most part, they get along really well.  When they don't, though, it's a weekend full of referring and dealing with the "but he did" and "but he said" and yada yada. 

This was one of those weekends.

Brian was leaving the house to run an errand and said, as he walked out the door and with a bit of frustration and anger, "This week we're cleaning out the baby's room and separating the boys". 

My ears instantly rang with blood flow rushing through.  My palms were sweaty.  My vision went blurry.  I opened the door (as he'd already walked out) and screamed "Like hell you will". 

I lost it.  I started bawling.  He came back in and we fought for a minute.  I was telling him he can help me make the boys learn to get along but he cannot take Colton's room from me.  I am not ready for it.  I am just not ready and I don't know if I can survive that right now.

He calmed me down and left, yet nothing else was said about it.  I don't know if he still thinks he wants to do that.  I know that I just cannot.  The nursery is all I have left of Colton here.  It's the only place I can go and feel him, feel peace, and feel like there's still a chance I'll be a mommy again.  If he takes the nursery from me he also takes hope and he takes the last bit of Colton I can physically hold on to.  And I'm just not ready for that. And I don't know when I will be.

As I have said so many times about so many things, I know it's not logical or fair.  I know that there shouldn't be two kids sharing a room while one sits empty for goodness knows how much longer, if it would ever be filled again.

But I'm just.not.ready.  And rushing me and making me do it won't help.  I feel like I have made so much progress, like I have done so much to try to heal and move forward that I should be afforded the chance to take time on other things ... like his nursery. 

I am just doing the best I can, and packing up his nursery is not something on the 'can' list right now.