Before losing Colton I was blissfully ignorant to the fact it truly can happen to anyone. No one is exempt from losing a child. I had already given birth quite successfully twice for myself, twice for others, totaling six babies. I did one think right and well in life - having babies.
So when Colton was stillborn my security was shattered. I didn't screw up having babies. They were safe in my care. For goodness sakes, I carried triplets! How could I lose ONE ... mine?
I was blissfully ignorant. Then, the reality hit, and I now live a tormented awareness.
This awareness can, at times, become almost paralyzing. Once you know the truth of what can happen you become aware it can happen at any time and it can happen to you.
People say "it won't happen again". Well, it wasn't supposed to happen the first time.
And if I think about it, we are never safe from it happening to our children. Sure, Delaney is one. So she's "safe" right? No. SIDS/SUDS happens still. Cancer can sneak up at any time. Drowning.... Car accidents... Choking.... Head injury ....
The list could go on forever. And, if allowed, can consume the mind, the spirit, and suffocate us into a hole of fear and despair.
I try to fight this vortex of "what if" as much as humanly possibly, yet the small whisper of death always breaths on my neck, reminding me to stay aware.
Delaney is so sick right now. She has horrible congestion and coughing and snot all over the place. Last night she slept, and I did not. She was breathing so heavy, then I couldn't hear her breathing. I jumped up and ran to her crib. She had just shifted and found a better position, apparently, because she was still breathing, still alive. Almost fortunately she woke often through the night crying. I find comfort in that. At least then I know she's still breathing. Still with me.
If I wake in the morning and she is calm and quiet in her crib I say a quick prayer. Short and simple. "Lord, please let her still be alive".
Will this fear ever leave me? Probably not. Once you know the other side you live in tormented awareness. You can't regain that blissful ignorance. You are wiser beyond anything you ever wanted to know. Your innocence is broken, the deep break that can never be put back together again.
Jenn... tears in my eyes because I understand. I know my loss was much earlier than yours - but I have that same hyper awareness of the horrible things that can happen to anyone, at anytime and every single day I find myself double and triple checking to make sure Lindsey is not still in the carseat when I get out of the car (even though I remember kissing her goodbye at daycare), double and triple checking her monitor throughout the night to see if I can hear her, or see movement, being grateful in the middle of the night when she wakes up for a bottle that I have a few moments with her, and confirmation that she is ok... In the back of my mind all those what ifs are there, constantly keeping me aware of how quickly things can change and I know all I can do is love on her for now and be thankful that she is here and healthy and happy for now... I know I am not promised tomorrow, much less the next 5 minutes with her and it is scary as hell. Hugs to you.
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