Last night I had a great collaborative chat with a new found partner and friend. She and I may have a lot in common, but we haven't chatted much to know for sure. Yet we are excitedly working together on a project that means a lot to both of us and is the reason we met. We both have angels watching over us. And we both have beautiful little girls blessing us. We are mothers who have lost and who love both in heaven and on earth.
After our chat last night I was asked who I was talking to and Logan was excited and chill when he said "Oh so her daughter (editing out name) is with Colton. Cool, he has friends!".
The comfort I got from that little proclamation was immense. Yes, Colton has friends. Ones that knew the same short existence that he did. Ones that are full of only love, as that's all they ever experienced. And, more importantly, my ten year old gets it. And acknowledges his brother and his angel friends. And that is a gift to me and to every angel mom. Just hearing our children's names and knowing they are valued, too.
I have been blessed to discover - and hopefully help develop - a whole network of other mommy's just like me. Moms who have had to say goodbye long before a goodbye was due. Most of who never got to say hello first.
And these women are all virtually strangers. You start to recognize names and build connections, but, honestly, they are people I've never met and may never meet in person.
Yet, we are bonded. We chat like old friends. We discuss raw, intense, difficult emotions and thoughts that no one else understands. We love each other unconditionally, without malice or judgment. We share without fear of scolding, a cold shoulder, or being ignored. We are united in our grief, and in our hope.
It's been a while since I felt like I belonged somewhere and that I had a true purpose in the world outside of my children and work. Even amongst friends I often feel alienated and out of touch. I don't think it's their fault and I don't think it's mine. It just ... is.
I'm not the same person I was four years ago. I am not the same person I was even just a year ago. Grief changes us, renewed hope changes us. And being amongst others who gets us ... well, it changes us too.
Beautifully said.
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