I wonder.. .. ..

I wonder if I resemble the person I once was. I wonder if, with all I've experienced, all I've done, all I've broken, all I've healed, all the whirlwind of this life .... I wonder ...

I look at others and sometimes think "who the hell are you and why didn't I see this before?!".  And then, in a brief second I see a flash and think"Oh, there you are", with a gentle, somber heart. 

I wonder if others feel that way about me too?

I wonder in this great big world of love and hate, receiving and giving, celebration and grieving ... are we ever the same as the day before? The week before? The year before?

There's a saying that "people never change".  Why surely we all do, every day...

I was once told that, in all relationships, we either grow together or we grow apart.  The point being, we are always growing.  Sometimes it's just not in the same direction.

I think that there are life situations that deter us from our path.  Sometimes minor bumps in the road.  Sometimes a full on sink hole that sucks us down into an abyss.

I wonder .. .. ..

I wonder if people can ever forgive and remember people as they were before these detours. I wonder if people can truly step outside of themselves, outside of their emotions, outside of their pain, and find empathy for others.

I wonder if we all took step back and looked at each other with hearts that stripped away mistakes, cruelties, anger, and hate ... I wonder if we could remember ... I wonder if we can forgive.

I wonder if people can stop anger and hate and think "I loved you at one time".  And while that doesn't change the past, could it change the future? Could it allow people to say "I'm sorry" and it be accepted as truth and their faults forgiven?  Why do we, as a society, find it so easy to condemn, and so hard to forgive? Why do we hold on so tight to anger and let go of love so easily?

I wonder .. .. ..

Truth

A friend shared this today on their Facebook and it was one of those Oprah "Ah-Ha" moments. Like Hell-To-The-Yeah, hive five a sista', dancing in the streets, TRUTH, word-to-yo-momma moments. 

The truth is my son died. The truth is, it fucking sucks. The truth is I still miss him. The truth is he still lives in my world every day and night. The truth is I love him as much as all my other children. The truth is ... I don't give a shit what anyone else thinks about it.

I have been told - paraphrased here (somewhat but not really) - get over it already.

The problem is I was never allowed to get through it, how the heck am I supposed to get over it?

I have, just recently, taken control of my grief. I have allowed myself to feel it and more importantly to experience it, express it, and energize it.  The more I experience it and express it the more my LOVE shines through the loss, the more I heal, the more it energizes me.

I have realized grief DOES make other people uncomfortable. And I have come under attack by many, some from the strangest of places (people you would never think would be on the "shut up" already campaign). 

But it also brings out comfort. Not just for me, but for others.  It brings peace. It brings HOPE.

I can't apologize for FINALLY starting my journey to healing. I am benefiting. My children are benefiting. And, maybe, someone else in this dark cruel world of grief is benefiting too.

Grief, to me, is soft of like an addiction. People are afraid of others addictions as well and avoid the topic if possible.  AND the only person that can take control of an addiction is the addict. AND the first step to recovery is admitting there's a problem.

I admit, I have a problem with my grief. But I am taking the steps to recover. Each time I write, each time I talk about Colton, each time I live in the moment I heal a little more. That's MY comfort, and my truth.