And it begins.. .. ..

Today it hit me like a ton of bricks.  I have been in a craptacular mood for a couple weeks.  I have been irritable, sad, frustrated ... I haven't even liked being around myself.  I couldn't figure out why. Sure there has been a lot going on in my life.  But still ... I just felt ... Off.

Driving home, though, the realization of my mood disorder sunk in.  The year of anniversaries has begun.

A few weeks ago we went to a company party for Brian.  I just wanted to drink.  And I did.  Sucked, though, that there was like nil alcohol in the drinks. I didn't want to deal with anything.  I didn't know what my funk was, just knew I was not feeling great. 

I realized today that was one year from the date I found out we were expecting.

And so started the year of anniversaries. 

The next one will be the day we first saw our little monkey.  His cute little peanut shape, his little heart beating away.  His perfect little heart, beating away.

That will also be my birthday.  Last year I thought it would be amazing to see my baby for the first time on my birthday.  Now it's just a horrible reminder of what we lost.

And then the six-month anniversary of the day I saw him on ultrasound with no heartbeat anymore.  And two days later, the six-month anniversary of when his body left mine.

Tears just flowed down my cheeks.  It all suddenly made sense. 

I still don't know what the worst part has been.  Finding out he was dead? Two days of labor, then the delivery? Burying him? Coming home without him??  Or is it going to be this first year, all the dates that were, that are, that should have been.. .. ..

It's been awhile since I've had to chant the chant, but here we go again ...

"One day at a time ... one day at a time ... one day at a time .. .. .. "