Catch 22

In the 'afterdeath' - the moving through life after pregnancy loss - there are many times when you're faced with the anxiety of the day ahead. 

This often happens when you know you're going to see a person (or people) that you haven't seen since before the loss of the baby.  For me, when I know this is coming, I am full of anxiety all day.  At least all day, if not multiple days.  There is this deep embedded fear of "what do I say when they ask about the baby?".  I often freeze in the moment.  There is the fear, first, of their reaction.  Then there is the fear of the rush of emotions in acknowledging my son is dead.  Then there is the fear of having to stifle the rush of emotions because, quite frankly, there won't be an opportunity to talk anymore about it once it sinks it.  ((See previous post about the effectiveness of killing a conversation)). 

Then there's the Catch 22 ... when they don't end up asking at all.  Of course, the immediate (and probable) assumption is they already know.  the rumor has gone around, someone was gracious enough to warn them, however it may be, they must already know.

But what if they don't already know.  Do they just not care? Did they forget (how could they, I was 8.5 months!!??) that I was pregnant at all?  Have they already forgotten about Colton like everyone else seems too?

Did he ever really exist at all?

Sometimes I don't know if he did to anyone else.  It's so easy for others to pretend he didn't. 

Such a Catch 22 ... hurts if they ask, hurts more if they don't.