Looking for the brighter side is not easy. I mean, even the bright side of the death of anyone we love - especially a child - is still in the shadows.
Possibly it's not really the brighter side that I look at; possibly it's just a way to comfort myself. I figure, though, we have to do what we have to do to survive.
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Starting long ago I had horrific dreams of losing a child. In these dreams the child was between 4 - 6 and the death was always awful. Drowning, accident ... I could never figure out exactly how the child, I just knew it was tragic and sudden.
After I had Logan I swore the dreams were about him. The child in my dreams looked like him, just a little darker hair. I worried often that I'd lose him suddenly, just like the dreams were foreshadowing. I just knew the dreams would come true.
Then Colton died ... and the dreams stopped.
I am sure to some this will sound so weird and so "out there". I wonder often, though, if that wasn't always Colton in my dreams. I wonder if I would have had him for a few short years then had him torn from my life. I wonder if my losing him in my womb was a merciful loss compared to what would have happened.
I honestly don't know which is better - or worse. I don't know if it's better to have never learned Colton's personality, never attached to him earthly ... I wonder if losing him in four years, six years, a year would be worse than losing him when I did. I wonder if God knew and just had mercy on us??
Does it frustrate me sometimes? Yes. I am frustrated that I won't know Colton. I won't know his personality, his laugh, his smile, his tears, his fears, his voice. I won't know his favorite toy, snacks, foods, noises, places, and people.
I am blessed (as stated before) that I also won't see him suffer, won't see him hurt, won't risk losing him later.
It doesn't make losing him any better. I don't know if it makes the pain any better. I have to believe, though, that God knows best. And I do believe those dreams didn't stop by chance.
And ... I do know I have to live in the brighter side. The dark side is just too scary.
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