The Brighter Side

Looking for the brighter side is not easy.  I mean, even the bright side of the death of anyone we love - especially a child - is still in the shadows. 

Possibly it's not really the brighter side that I look at; possibly it's just a way to comfort myself.  I figure, though, we have to do what we have to do to survive.

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Starting long ago I had horrific dreams of losing a child.  In these dreams the child was between 4 - 6 and the death was always awful.  Drowning, accident ... I could never figure out exactly how the child, I just knew it was tragic and sudden. 

After I had Logan I swore the dreams were about him.  The child in my dreams looked like him, just a little darker hair.  I worried often that I'd lose him suddenly, just like the dreams were foreshadowing.  I just knew the dreams would come true.

Then Colton died ... and the dreams stopped.

I am sure to some this will sound so weird and so "out there".  I wonder often, though, if that wasn't always Colton in my dreams.  I wonder if I would have had him for a few short years then had him torn from my life.  I wonder if my losing him in my womb was a merciful loss compared to what would have happened.

I honestly don't know which is better - or worse.  I don't know if it's better to have never learned Colton's personality, never attached to him earthly ... I wonder if losing him in four years, six years, a year would be worse than losing him when I did.  I wonder if God knew and just had mercy on us??

Does it frustrate me sometimes? Yes.  I am frustrated that I won't know Colton.  I won't know his personality, his laugh, his smile, his tears, his fears, his voice.  I won't know his favorite toy, snacks, foods, noises, places, and people. 

I am blessed (as stated before) that I also won't see him suffer, won't see him hurt, won't risk losing him later.

It doesn't make losing him any better.  I don't know if it makes the pain any better. I have to believe, though, that God knows best.  And I do believe those dreams didn't stop by chance. 

And ... I do know I have to live in the brighter side.  The dark side is just too scary.