The last two nights I have hardly been able to sleep. Anxiety has riveted through me and kept me at a level of unease that has made it impossible to sleep, focus, or believe that things would be okay.
Today, though, I made it past those things and am another day ahead in my path to healing...
My youngest son flew all by himself today. He will be seven in just a few short weeks. You wouldn't know it by hanging out with him, though. He is articulate, outgoing, witty, and fun. He has a security about him that most adults I know only strive to achieve or at the least appear to have. So I was not concerned about him flying alone (he did have an unaccompanied minor attendant, so he wasn't ALL by himself).
Matter of fact, as we drove to the airport (at 3:30 a.m.) he talked to me about how excited he was. He explained to me that when the airplane takes off it's like a motorcycle popping a wheelie off of a big ramp. And that it's "awesome". He fully planned to make friends; at which time I tried to reiterate 'stranger danger' and that he needed to not talk the ear off of his neighbors. He talked about having a snack and a drink and went on and on about how cool it was.
See I wasn't afraid of how he'd do on the flight. I wasn't afraid of him getting lost, or being scared, or crying for the next five hours. Those things really didn't cross my mind.
No, I was afraid he was going to die. That his plane would crash. Because that's what my kids do ... they die.
After I put him on the plane I went to the window and waited until the plane left and I watched him soar safely into the blue sky before leaving. As I was standing there, praying that God not take another child from me, a butterfly floated up to the window, hovered, then flew and landed on the wing of the plane. I suddenly had peace. I knew that was God's promise. That he was sending peace, comfort, and a special angel to watch over the flight, to watch over my son. I felt a peace and a closeness with Colton. I fully and firmly believe both my sons were on that flight. And I felt calm; a calm I hadn't felt in days (maybe months).
My son made it safe. He says his flight was "awesome". He - luckily - sat by two other unaccompanied minors who he made friends with. Grandma reported they all waved and yelled goodbye, without a care in the world. Innocent pure happiness.
Today wasn't just a flight to vacationing with granny and pop for my son. Today was a flight of my fear, leaving me and being replaced with peace. Peace that God is in control. Do I believe my children won't die? No. I know fully they could still be taken from me at any time. The truth is our children are a gift from God, on loan to us, until they are called back home. However I do have peace that I cannot control this life. Worry and fear do not prevent bad things from happening; they do prohibit happiness from coming in. The peace of the fear taking flight from me is freeing. The peace of a flutter of a butterfly, the giggle of a little boy safe and sound, and the promise that an angel is always surrounding us. ~xoxo~
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