Yesterday was the big ultrasound day. Well, technically, last Tuesday was the original date. I had worked myself up and was ready to tackle the ominous ultrasound room; then they called to reschedule. Yesterday ended up being the show-down day and I was not as well prepared as I'd hoped.
First, I was a ball of nerves all morning. I couldn't focus, couldn't think straight. I was just full of dread with the impending date with doom (or so I anticipated). I left work a few minutes too late and in my frenzy and stress I forgot my water. Later, this proved to be an issue as only half the ultrasound could be done, since my bladder was not full.
I finally arrived and they called me back. My heart was going a good thousand miles an hour by the time I entered the room. The ultrasound tech was so wonderful and nice. Thankfully she was not the same lady that was there the day we confirmed Colton's passing. (She was really nice as well; I just don't think I could have handled that too).
AS she did the ultrasound we made small talk then I finally mustered the courage to ask what I really needed to...
I asked to see the screen. She asked what I wanted to see in particular and I explained I just needed to see the screen. I needed to see that it's just a diagnostic tool. There isn't a sleeping child in my womb, locked in suspension on that screen. It's a harmless tool to reveal truths, not bring despair. She was kind enough to turn the screen, show me my uterus, empty of child but fluffy and full of hope for another.
In that moment so much anxiety and fear swept from me. As many times before I will confess the insanity and irrationality of my fears. I understand there wasn't going to be Colton on that screen. I understand that an ultrasound machine cannot administer doom, it simply reveals what's already there. I logically understand that.
Nevertheless, seeing proof of it helps. Confirming the reality and simplicity helps. And I am one step closer to removing fear from my life and finding hope again. Another hurdle behind me, another step. Another day in the right direction.
No comments:
Post a Comment