Small Feats

I didn't clean the room.  I tried.  Well, I thought about it.  But I didn't do it.

I did however make a large step toward 'recovery'.

I visited the L&D department.  A huge fear of mine has been returning to a labor and delivery ward.  Seeing pregnant people, newly delivered people ... and babies.  Hearing them, seeing them ... yearning for one. 

This weekend, though, I had the opportunity to face my fear.  A friend of mine was so blessed to delivery beautiful twin girls as a surrogate mother.  The opportunity to celebrate with her pushed me toward the courage to venture into a place of great emotion.

Amazingly, I was fine.  I walked onto the ward and didn't collapse - as I feared.  I didn't cry. I didn't panic. 
I was excited.  I was full of hope and wonder.  I was OKAY.

When I met these babies ... I cannot explain the feeling.  I was given the opportunity to hold them.  I chose to hold the smaller one for two reasons: one, I love the underdog and two, she represented hope.  She was only 4lb4oz.  She was smaller than my Colton.  And she was alive. 

When she was born the doctor understood why she was so small.  Her cord was attached at the side of the placenta.  Not only was she alive, she was a miracle.

And if she could be a miracle, I could have one too.

I don't know if my friend picked up on how much seeing her and these babies helped me.  I went because I wanted to congratulate her and the new mother.  I went to celebrate life, the life of two precious little girls.  And in doing so I regained part of my life.  Part of my spirit.  I regained hope. 

And, to me, packing away the emotions trumps packing away the totes any day.