One thing I know for sure .. .. ..

We will not be having a baby for ourselves anytime soon.  I thank God now that he threw obstacles in our way preventing us from trying. 

In the beginning, right after losing Colton, I was obsessed with "when can we try again".  I pushed Brian a lot to give me some indication of when he'd be ready.  I needed to have another baby.  I needed to fill the nursery with a child, with crying and giggling and late night nursing.  I NEEDED it. 

I was desperate for Brian and I to have a child together.  We are so right together and our child would be raised by both parents in one home, something our other children don't have.  I wanted to share a child with Brian, our child, our flesh and blood in one.  I NEEDED it.

Through the past eight months of waiting and having the time to work through the emotions, my feeling about the situation has changed completely.

I no longer need a child.  We have children.  A whole home full, more than a lot of people are blessed with.  I don't feel that deep need to have one of ours now.  It's a want, not a need.  And we have a child together.  We made a beautiful little boy and he'll forever be our child.  Even though he doesn't live here with us, we don't get to watch him grow, we don't have him here, he's still ours.  If we have another child it will be a second child for us.  Another blessing, another addition to our family. 

I don't NEED to fill the nursery.  I don't NEED to have a child.

I need to heal.  I need to make it past his first birthday and see how that goes.  I need to come to a place of complete peace and understanding.  I need to be able to separate Colton and any other pregnancy/child we'd have.  Mostly, I need to know we'd be having a child because we want to and that there's no need involved. 

I refuse to have a replacement child.  I refuse to work through my pain with another baby.  I refuse to use a child to heal wounds they have no responsibility for. 

And, truthfully, I may never get to the point that I will feel I'm far enough along tin healing o make that decision.  We may never try again.  If we do, though, we'll know it's for all the right reasons and for the hope of a new child, not the loss of another.  Until then, we heal and love and pray and move forward to whatever our future holds.