Eight months ...

Already.  Eight months today my little man was born.  These last few weeks have been another roller coaster.  It still catches me off guard when the dips come.  I feel so good for weeks then suddenly I hit rock bottom again. 

It started a few weeks ago when I got a random email from Amazon ... to notify me something from my baby registry had been purchased and was on its way!!  What??!!  I scoured the registry to figure out what they were talking about and there hadn't been activity for a long, long time.  No reason for it to show up.  Glitch in the system I suppose.  Nevertheless, a tough email to receive.

Then last weekend I overdid it.  Baby overload and complete meltdown followed.  We threw a baby shower for my coworker and I offered to do games and purchase the presents.  Which was fine.  I was doing really well with it until it actually all happened.  My mind kept floating back to my shower and my celebration and how just a few weeks later everything changed.  Her theme is jungles, which of course has monkeys, which didn't help. 

And during our celebration my very close friend was checking her phone ... her grandbaby was on the way.  He was born during the shower.  Which was great, wonderful news.  He was term, but small. He was 18.5" and 5lb9oz.  My heart hit the floor.  He was shorter than Colton and only passed him by 2oz.  And he was alive.  And doing well.  And Colton could have been too ... if he hadn't died before he even got a chance.

That night I went to bed and shortly thereafter woke to Brian shaking me and asking what was wrong.  I woke up to a soaked pillow, sobbing uncontrollably.  I was dreaming - flashing back, I guess - to the moment my doctor held Colton's lifeless body up and I fell into Brian's arms crying "My baby"...  I didn't sleep well the rest of the night.  All I could think about was Colton ... and losing him and how sad my heart was to have never known him outside of our short time together in my womb.

I am slowly pulling myself back up to being 'okay' again.  Not crying as much.  Last night we stopped by the cemetery.  I tidied up Colton's headstone and decided he needs new flowers and a flag at his site.  I felt peace in seeing him.  But my heart was heavy.  It appears the first baby addition has been laid to rest in his area.  I cried for the family, whoever they are, and the pain we share.

I am constantly reminded, though, that healing is a process.  It's not all done in a day or weeks or even months.  Throughout the rest of my life new challenges, new anniversaries, new milestones will come and go and with them the pain will lull and rise.  And I continue to work through it and ride it out.  Knowing it's all part of the process and knowing that feeling - even feeling bad - is better than not feeling at all.  The grieving will get easier, so they say.  And some days it will be harder.  Through it all, though, I have an angel watching me and reminding me I'm never alone and he's always right here with me.. .. ..