Why oh why?

One thing I will never pretend to understand is God.  I honestly gave up trying.  I don't understand why good things happen to bad people; why bad things happen to good people.  I think I fall somewhere in the middle of those two groups, so those idiosyncrasies don't apply; so sometimes your normal-make-mistakes-and-try-to-live-right people get the shaft, too.

Yet God stumped me again yesterday.  All morning I felt restless and this deep need to go to the cemetery.  I don't go out there often.  Probably about every two weeks for less than five minutes at a time, just to tidy up and make sure nothings taken and his headstone is clean.  So for me to get a deep urge to go was odd.  And I knew that if I didn't go it would bother me until I did.

So on lunch I drove over, just to do a quick drive by.  As I drove in I became upset with God and his cruelty (as it felt in that moment).  Very close to Colton's resting spot was a large canopy, chairs, and a tiny table set up for a funeral. 

My heart skipped a few beats, my breathing was quick and shallow.  I thought I might pass out from the anxiety and gut-wrenching pain that streaked through me. 

Now, Colton is buried in a little baby area that has a row of cremations to the front and sides of the designated baby spaces.  So, it's very possible this was for a cremation and not a baby.  That was my only saving thought at the time.  Maybe it wasn't a baby. 

That didn't stop the tears though.  Seeing the same set up we'd had eight months earlier just broke me.  That day flooded back through me with the same current of anguish as if they'd set it up just for me again. 

Why oh why, God, did you send me out there?  Why did you bring up such pain and memories?  Why would you torment me like that. 

I wish I had a deep revelation or a peaceful feeling of "this is to help me heal and move on".  I don't feel that way whatsoever.  It was torture.  And I keep fighting myself from calling to just ask if another baby was lost, another angel taken too soon.  Another broken mother wandering this world missing the child ripped from her body and her soul. 

Nothing would be accomplished by it, though.  So I just wipe my tears, quietly sink into the silence, and pray this too will pass.

God redeemed Himself, as He often does, with a perfectly timed call from a perfectly wonderful friend.  The news she carried was uplifting, a promise of good things to come.  I didn't tell her (though she'll know now) how much I needed that distraction, that call.  To be pulled from disorientation to direction and purpose again... 

Matthew 5:4 - Blessed are those that mourn, for they shall be comforted.