Colton's Unbirthday

Yesterday was nine months since Colton left my body.  Of course he had been gone a week prior in spirit.  And that wasn't his due date.  So yesterday it hit me that Unbirthday was the best way to describe the 18th of each month.  It's not his birthday for a multitude of reasons. 

One, that wouldn't have been his birthday if he had been born alive.  Who knows what date that would have been.  Two, birthday - to me - is the day you take your first breath and start your life here.  He had the opposite.  No breath to take.  No life to live.  And, most importantly, that term just makes the most sense to me.

It was said that it shouldn't be called his unbirthday because he was still born.  While I get that I also stand firm that no one who hasn't gone through this can understand the thinking behind any decision made.  For me, Unbirthday works.  It makes me feel more ... settled ... about the date.  I have had such unrest in my mind about the 18th.  It's the only 'date' I have for him.  But calling it a birthday just doesn't make sense to me.

Anyways. Ramble done.  It's settled.  November 18th is Colton's Unbirthday and that's how I'll celebrate it.  Weird? Probably. Content? Yes.  And really that's all I can hope for right now.  Any further, deeper thought just boggles and upsets me.

I should be planning a birthday party right now.  I should be browsing websites for party supplies, not writing on a blog about it.  I should be planning the invite list and deciding cupcakes or cake.  Not planning a trip out of town for his unbirthday weekend to escape from the reality that my son is dead.  I said before I wasn't angry.  Today I am.  I am angry I was robbed of all the first.  I was robbed of a little boy who I loved so much.  I am pissed.    It's not fair and in this moment I want to stomp my feet and throw a fit and say so.  It's NOT FAIR. 

It's just not fair.. .. ..