Don't ask, please don't tell

There are still triggers (and always will be, I am sure) that "get me".  Things that stop me in my tracks, make me catch my breath, and leave me trying to find my footing again.  One of those things is babies that appear to be around Colton's age.  I can't help but look at them and think "that's what Colton would be doing now" .. "that's what he'd be learning, how he'd be developing". 

I try to avoid these babies like the plague.  I am okay with older or younger babies, however the babies right in his age range just ... get to me.

Friday night at softball my teammate had her granddaughter with her.  A baby.  That looked awful close to Colton's (would be) age.  In my mind I kept saying "don't ask... just don't even ask".  Of course, I asked. 

Her response was November 18.  I froze in place.  Not only was this little girl "close" she was spot on the same age as Colton would be ... if he lived.  They shared the day, one coming into this world and one leaving it.  I said "she is adorable" and walked away.  My knees were weak and my heart was heavy.  I just went to Brian and fell into him. 

I took a couple deep breaths, rejoined the group, and shortly thereafter we left.  I was feeling sad. Just sad.  Just "crap, I miss him". 

I got home to an email from a friend who reads my blog and reached out to tell me how much it means to me and share with personal ways she relates.  And I felt peace.  I felt like God heard me needing reassurance and He gave it. 

I miss Colton.  I miss him so much.  But - at least right now - it's getting easier to miss him and love him and not break under the weight of it. 

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.

—John 14:27