There is no doubt that in the last almost four years I have changed a lot. For a while it was not for the better. For a while I was lost in the rabbit hole of chaos, disillusion, and grief.
I have come a long way since that period, though. I have learned a lot about me, others, life, and love. I have gained control of my emotions, my reactions, and my destination. Of course, it's all fluid. Some days are easier than others. Some days I fail. Some days I feel completely in control and at peace.
Every day I feel is a victory.
Every day I am one step further in life than I thought I could be when he died. I didn't know how I would survive the next minute, let alone an hour or a day. I felt so weak and lost. So scared, so vulnerable.
Now I feel strong. I feel protected and confident. I feel like I have survived the worst, I can survive anything. I know that even though I face huge challenges and things aren't certain, I am certain I can make it through. I have an angel on my side, cheering me on, bringing peace to my heart amidst fear and uncertainty. When I DO start to panic I breath deep and think "If I survived losing Colton, I can survive anything".
The gifts Colton gave me are many. While I would trade them all to have him back ... I am glad to have them. I am appreciative of all I've learned, all I have become. I know that I am a better person now than quite possibly I have ever been.
And if that's what I gain, then I will appreciate it. And hope that every day Colton can be proud I am his mom and he has touched my life more than just in a sad way. His loss will always be my darkest time; his lasting footprints on my life will be the brightest points.
I love you Colton. Thank you for all you were and all you'll forever be.
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