A phrase I never thought I would say. A phrase that sounds so foreign, coming from my mouth. No, scratch that, from my soul. From a deep, dark, terrified place in my soul.
Yet, more often than I like or want to admit, I hear those words in my head. They fly out of my mouth like a whip slapping out and stinging whoever they touch.
I cannot bury another baby.
At one time in life I was carefree. "Oh don't be such a worrier" ... "They'll only do it once and they'll learn" ... I was a believer that allowing a child some space and freedom to explore and discover was a confidence builder and enabled decision making.
I still believe those things. I really do. However, I am also more apt to control the environment. To avoid risk that prior I wouldn't perceive as such a risk. I doubt myself, I doubt others.
It's infuriating when people say "Nothing is going to happen!". Bad things happen every single day. Colton dying wasn't supposed to happen, either. But it did. He died. And there was no reason, no danger, no action and consequence. His death just happened. Without warning and without forgiveness.
So, why would I be so ignorant - or arrogant - to think it couldn't happen again? Why would I put myself in the position to challenge fate and invite situations that could put my daughter at risk?
I cannot bury another baby.
Am I paranoid? Probably. Helicopter mom? Maybe a little. Worst case scenario worrier? Yes, why yes I am. Because I've already come face to face with the worst case and I cannot do it again.
I cannot bury another baby.
Words I never thought I would say, now a mantra in my day to day life.
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