Surviving

Sometimes I feel like that's all we are really doing in this world. Just surviving another day.  Waking to face the challenges, and lucky to lay our head down at night and do it all again the next day.

I have so many friends going through the hardest of times right now.  Separations, parental loss, miscarriage ... People struggling to find their way in this crazy world, not sure where to turn or what to do next ...

We all have our struggles and we all have our grief. I don't know that I have a single friend or acquaintance who hasn't, at some point, thought "will I survive this?".  The situations vary, the source of the struggle never quite the same ... but grief is pretty universal.

Sometimes I wonder if I have survived Colton's death.  I mean, I'm still breathing. I'm still functioning. I have a job I perform at daily, and great kids that I competently care for, and complete the day-to-day needs to live.  But did I really survive?

Last night I had the weirdest array of dreams.  I had dreams of happy days with Brian, before we lost Colton. I had dark dreams of after Colton (and even woke in a post-Colton signature cold sweat and panic attack).  I had dreams of what could have and should have been, and dreams of what I hope will be. 

I woke up thinking "Did I survive?".  Did I ... really? No.  The person that was before Colton long died.  She is but a memory.  An unattainable mystical being of many moons past.

And I look at my friends, as they are facing their own struggles and devastation. And I see that I'm not alone. I see that parts of them have been broken beyond repair. I know, as I watch them struggle, that they will not be the same on the other side.

Will they survive, in the literal context of waking up tomorrow and continuing forward?

Yes, I suppose they will. 

But when forced to survive we are never the same.  In order to survive we must change, must adapt, must leave behind something in order to move forward.  Sometimes we come out stronger immediately. Sometimes it takes a lot of mistakes, a lot of collateral damage, a lot of "what the fuck happened" before we get there.

I didn't survive Colton's death.  Nothing survived Colton's death.  But I will keep surviving life without him. I will be okay. We will all be okay. Just never, ever, the same.