Cullen

Cullen will never know how much he's touched my life.  Well, actually, I'm sure he knows.  See, Cullen is always looking down on this world.

Twelve years ago today my friend Leah said hello and good bye to Cullen.  Twelve years.  Cullen was born with Potter's Syndrome.  He was undiagnosed, so when Leah met him she had no idea she would, very soon, be saying good bye.

I remember the day Leah told me about Cullen. 

I felt like an ASS that day.

She was wearing a beautiful set of emerald earrings and I commented on how beautiful they were, and that emerald was my birthstone and asked if it was hers too.  She then told me that, no, emerald was her son's birthstone.  The son she lost. I am pretty sure I said a hurried I'm so sorry. I don't remember if it was that day or sometime later that I asked what had happened. 

I remember, though, feeling fear.  Now I recognize I was afraid of her pain. Afraid of her story. Oh my God, her SON died.. .. ..

Leah takes off Cullen's birthday every year. Every year I thought "it must be so difficult".  You could feel a shift in her the week(s) leading up to his birthday and heavenly day.  Shortly after it would lift, however that period of time was dark and sad for her. I always felt melancholy for her, and sympathetic ... I never imagined I'd find empathy someday, too.

I remember going to work the day I confirmed Colton was gone.  I remember waiting until 8 when the doctors office opened and called to come in.  I remember going to Leah and telling her I had to go be checked.  I remember telling her I hadn't felt him move.  And I remember in her eyes that shared knowledge of what was to come....

Today Cullen turns 12... and I know that for Leah it feels like just yesterday she held his precious little body in her arms.  Years go by but a grief so deep doesn't age.

Happy birthday, Cullen.  You are thought about and loved so very much.  By your mommy and by those of us she has shared you with. xoxo