Appreciation

If you've never suffered an immeasurable loss you cannot imagine how it feels to trudge through the trenches.  You cannot imagine the swirling, overwhelming emotions that slam and drag you like a roaring tide of an ocean.

I received a nasty comment on one of my posts.  Since I moderate comments, it won't be posted.  And since it was anonymous, I cannot address it directly with the commenter. (I hate that ... if you have something to say, don't hide. Don't be a coward).

But I'll address their hate here.

The comment basically said my posts are a "gut punch" and ungrateful for all those that were there for me when I lost Colton.

I utilize my blog to work through the grief. To work through the loss and the pain that I felt - and feel - about losing my son.  I utilize it to reflect on the mistakes I made after his loss and I hope that by being raw and naked in my pain, possibly someone else will benefit and not feel so alone.

Immediately after I lost Colton many friends did come to my side.  My best friends Nikki and Bridgett were on the phone constantly with me, checking on me all day, daily.  My friend Amanda was on the next flight from across the country and spent many days with us and helped take care of me and my family.  My huge surrogate "family" poured in literally thousands of dollars to cover the burial fees, the headstone, and anything else we needed.  Food poured in from local surrogates and from my wonderful work family.  My dear friend Mary spearheaded organizing information for the funeral, paying what needed to be paid and she and Leah printed cards honoring Colton for the service.  Cards and gifts poured in from across the country.  Dear friends, work friends, Internet friends, almost strangers, showered us with care.

I have not forgotten that. I will forever be grateful for the overwhelming care that was shown when I lost Colton. I still thank those people often for their love and support.

However, most I have never talked to again.  Some are no longer friends.  Some have betrayed me and exploited their contact with my family.  Some are still great friends.  Few ever speak of Colton, though.  Most stopped talking about him immediately.  Do I appreciate anything less? No.  I know that child loss is hard to talk about.  I know they cared and some still care. But life goes on for others.

My blog is about my personal journey of grief.  It's about feeling abandoned by those in my own home.  It's about abandoning my home and my family.  It's about my journey through the pain.

My take on this comment? If you are hurt by my pain because I'm not continuously thanking you then please reevaluate your motives in life.  If you were looking for praise, you were selfish.  If you are too cowardly to come to me directly and discuss this with me ... then are you really a friend anyways?

I do, beyond words, appreciate the support that flooded in after I lost Colton.  It came in like a thundering tide.... and receded and disappeared just as quick.  Does that make me upset? Absolutely not. 

To those reading this that supported me, please know I DO appreciate EVERY gesture and every ounce of love my family was shown.  My lack of acknowledgement is not a lack of appreciation. My blog is for healing, and will continue to be.

I'm on a journey, come along for the ride if you will.  But never, please never, make my pain about you.  I pray you never have to understand or relate to the pain of losing a child. I pray no one does.  But my pain IS my own. I'm sorry you lack the compassion to understand ... my blog isn't about you.