Peace

In this moment, right this second, I feel peace.

We went for a walk tonight, ate, played, talked to granny and poppa, then got ready for bed.  As we rocked, Delaney reached up and touched my face and my heart melted away.

I made acknowledgements and realizations today I have avoided. I let go of unrealistic attachments that held me in place. I accepted realities that will never change. And I felt peace.

I cannot change other peoples feelings regarding the loss of Colton. Everyone is doing the best they know how. Its different for each of us, how we handle this crazy emotion called grief. Its not right or wrong, its just our way. To pass judgement, to hold it against someone, to yearn for something more ... it won't help and can only hinder healing.

I have held on to things of this world ... Colton's bedroom, his chair, his clothes, grasping to all that remains in our world of him.

But the wise words of Logan have really been playing in my head. Colton is all around us all the time. He is the air we breath, the laugh we bellow, the tears that fall. He is enveloped in our hearts and our fabric of life. He is everywhere!

I was told today Logan and Delaney and no one else can heal me. That I'm dysfunctional because I relate them to my grief and healing. I disagree. I believe the the love we share with the people around us is what heals us. I think the absence of that paralyzes and destroys us. The innocence,  the purity, and the LOVE I share with my children ... there's power in that. There is healing. There is peace!

Love does heal. Love conquers all.

There's a saying "one step forward, two steps back". Well, its quite amazing when the two steps back are a running start for a huge jump forward.

Peace.

In finding my voice. In confidence in myself. In joy in my love ... and in my loss.