Collateral Damage

A few weeks ago Logan was upset, about what I don't even remember, and he proclaimed "I just want to be with my brother!".

I immediately thought he meant his older brother, who is living back South with his father. I said, "You know you can't just go see Jo". To which he replied...

"NOT JONAH. COLTON!"

My heart stopped, dropped to my gut, and tears boiled.

I didn't say anything. What could I say.

I finally mustered "Why would you say that?".

He burst into tears and said "I just miss him so much".

Sometimes as adults we get so lost in our own grief, in our own lives passing us by, that we forget about the collateral damage.  I know that Logan thinks about his brother often, yet we don't talk about him often. I forget that, just as I need others to ask me about Colton, maybe he needs to be asked about him too.

All I could say was I miss Colton too.  And I wish he were here, with us.  And that it would crush me if Logan was with him, as that would mean I lost Logan too.

Logan replied that Colton is with us. He's always with us.  That he protects Delaney and that he feels him all the time.  What comfort I gained from that! What power in his little words.

He went on to express he just wishes he could hold him and play with him, like he does with Delaney.  He wishes that he knew what he looked like and they could play catch.

Logan would have been an AWESOME big brother to Colton....

I feel so alone in my grief sometimes. And I wonder if Logan does, too.  I am learning that I can't expect others - Logan especially - to talk to me about Colton. Maybe I need to make that effort.

I have to be careful who I share with. I learned that the hard way.  Even his father I cannot trust with my feelings of loss and longing.  But I'm not alone in my grief.  And that is something I need to remember, and respect, and honor.

And talk about ...