Guilt

I don't know if I'll ever stop feeling like I failed Colton.

I know - logically - I did everything I could to protect him. However, he died. In my womb. Under my care.

He died.

I couldn't protect him from whatever took him. I couldn't stop it.  I didn't even know anything was happening. How could I not know?

And now, I'm in a situation where I know danger is slamming head on into my daughters life. And I'm helpless. I can do nothing.

But pray. And pray. And pray some more.

The feeling of despair and guilt and fear of what you cannot control is overwhelming. It drowns you, suffocates you, and leaves you struggling to survive.

I couldn't protect Colton from the darkness that took him. And I feel lost, like I can't protect Delaney from the danger facing her. And I am angry, because she doesn't have to be in harms way. She doesn't have to be exposed to dangerous people and unhealthy situations.

But I cannot control every aspect of her life. I cannot make others see what they chose to be blind to.

And so I pray.

And I pray that this time prayer is enough to protect my sweet baby.  I am obviously powerless to do so myself.