Betrayal

Today I was punched in the gut. Knocked flat on my ass. All the progress I made dissolved in an instant.  I lost my shit and acted like I swore I never would again... When you are shattered again though how do you maintain control?

This past week I have obviously been having a hard time. I reached out and thanked people that helped me immediately after his loss. I reached out to his dad.  He was never a support but he's his dad. And the only connection to Colton. I made myself vulnerable WHICH I HATE. And will not do again.

I went to drop off my daughter this morning and Brian had someone there. Long story short its one of my old friends, Jenelle.  One of the people who came to the rescue when I lost Colton. Someone I trusted.

I had sent her a message the other day to thank her again for her support when I lost Colton. I never heard back, which hurt and I didn't understand. Now I do. She's supportting Brian. They're dating ... in love .... happily ever after...

I feel so betrayed. I can not even completely pinpoint why. I opened up to both of them and they've been sharing my feelings together. I feel like a fool. Like a mockery. I feel betrayed. I feel like Colton's loss destroyed our relationship and now has been exploited to develop theirs. She contacted him. After three years?? Why? Why him? They would never know each other had I not lost Colton...

I just feel sick. I feel like.... I don't even know.

Betrayed. Like Colton has been used, exploited. Like I've been lied to. And I am supposed to trust them with my daughter?

Sad. So sad today.

I will not lose control again. I will not trust him. I will not make myself vulnerable. I will not be betrayed again.